Why call yourself desperate theologian? (continued)

In part one I shared how my previously propositionalist faith did little to help in the wake of the grief Christie and I experienced after the loss of our first child (Jordan Taylor) to miscarriage when we were at SWBTS. We moved back to Plainview during the summer of 2000, after only two years at SWBTS. Having already lost our first baby in 1998 we had already tasted the grief that comes as a result and had some time to work through the grief. We had also been blessed with the birth our daughter, Damaris, in October of 1999 and while we still grieved the loss of JT we moved back to Plainview (believing it was God’s will) with a great deal of optimism and hope for the future. However, even though we still believe it was God’s will for us to move back, our time in Plainview turned out to be way harder than we had ever thought. In 2001 and 2004 we lost two more babies (Micah Jayden and Noah Avery) to miscarriage. This time served as an extended “dark night of the soul” for us both (and making things even more difficult, we also had a couple of adoption attempts fall through, struggled to plant a church, all the while I was finishing up my first Masters degree at WBU). The grief from the loss of our babies will always be with us (it can be no other way for a parent that has lost a child) but it was during this time that it was the deepest and most profound. It was also in the depths of this dark night that my desperation grew stronger than before and the propositions made even less sense. In a very real sense, in the deconstruction (to put it in postmodern terms) of my propositional/systematic form of theology I had to do theology out of the context of my experience with the dark night and desperation: in essence “desperation theology.”

• I was desperate for a theology that could hold my doubt, depression, questions, and unbelief. [As a note here, our struggle with desperation and doubt made a lot of people noticeably uncomfortable. I think a part of this is that we have to relieve ourselves of the pressure of always having the right thing to say…especially when there is no right thing to say. I believe that in pursuit of a propositionalist theology many evangelicals have neglected developing a theology of presence – a theology that can equip us to sit in silence, if need be, with those that suffer and/or doubt. While most seemed ill equipped to do this with us we were blessed with friends whom we are indebted to like the Efrain and Jennifer Gonzales who did offer us their presence without pat clichés. Also, while this probably deserves its own blog post, here I’ll just say that I think that most Christians have a hard time with doubt because they too readily assume that it is the opposite of faith, or what we might call “unfaith.” But doubt, questioning, and unbelief are not the same thing as unfaith nor do they necessarily lead to unfaith. Doubt is not the opposite of faith but rather a part of the faith journey. In the midst of doubt faith is all one has to hold on too.]
• I was desperate for a theology that has as much to do with spirituality as academics.
• I was desperate for a theology that was connected to real life, one that could bridge the gap between the academy and the church.
• I was desperate for a theology that could enable the body of Christ to be a genuine incarnational community.
• I was desperate for a theology that went beyond the propositional; however, at least in the beginning, I did not know what such a theology would look like.

(re)Discovering the Triune God

My theological journey took me right through the middle of desperation and doubt theologically. There was no going around, up, over, or under it…only through it! I know it seems counter intuitive but instead of driving me away from theological study, my doubt and desperation drove me into more theological study. Really, the study of theology was how I coped; it was in essence a form of “therapy” for me. And it was in this journey that I came to totally redefine my approach to theology in response to my points of desperation (listed just above). During this time I read, read, and I read some more. Along the way I rediscovered the richness of the church fathers (whom I just glanced over as an undergrad) as well as more contemporary theologians. Those who know me know that my favorite theologian is Stanley Grenz. It is through Grenz that I discovered a theology, and a theological method, that is grounded in and centered around the triune God as the Divine Community. For too long God as Trinity had been diminished in systematic theology to the point of being reduced to the equivalent of a propositional doctrinal safeguard (much like even what happened with Christology and Pneumatology). For some theologians the Trinity only appears as little more than a footnote while still other modern systematics have a section on the Trinity but which seemingly has no interaction or impact on the other doctrinal sections. In other words, while these theologians believe in the Trinity we can not properly call their theologies “Trinitarian.”

This seeming absence of the Trinity certainly was evident in my experience growing up in church. I can not remember hearing even one sermon, nor any reflection at all on the Trinitarian nature of God, or any discussion of the importance of Trinity for ecclesiology or people made in the image of God. It seems that the modern church suffered as much from the absence of the Trinity as did modern systematic theology! There are many reasons for this I think. One is that while God doesn’t really fit into anyone’s propositional box in general, the very idea of God as Trinity totally obliterates our propositions as ever being adequate to hold who God is. I found this to be ever so true. While in the beginning my propositional faith could not stand up in the presence of my experience with grief and doubt, when I (re)discovered God as Trinity I found that propositions in general were way too small in the face of the triune God. Second, I think that in the rush to propositionalize everything many Christians fail to accept the mystery of the triune God. I mean, there’s not much mystery to a powerpoint or a “5 steps to ????” sermon series. I can not overstate how much we need to learn from our Eastern Orthodox brothers and sisters, who never lost their Trinitarian grounding, and speak often in their music, worship, and liturgy of the mysterium tremendum involved when we tiny, puny humans approach the triune God of the universe.

Grenz though presents us with a theology that is intentionally structured and shaped by the triune reality of God in which Trinitarian concerns are not relegated to a footnote or single section but instead permeate all areas of theology. It is in Grenz’s writings that I discovered the idea of perichoresis (which I also glanced over as an undergrad), or our participation in the divine Trinitarian life of God, articulated first by the church fathers but seemingly lost in modern theology. I found that Trinitarian theology (and the reality of participation in the Triune life) spoke directly to my desperation and doubt. I found Trinitarian theology to be immensely practical while at the same time not sacrificing, well, the theological. In fact, through my study of Trinitarian theology I became convinced more than ever of the overwhelming majesty, beauty, and sovereignty of God even in the midst of my doubt and grief. In the process I found a desperation for God I had not known previously. Though hurting, grieving, and doubting I was like a moth led the flame. In essence I went in search of a theology, and a way of doing theology, and ultimately (re)discovered the triune God. In this sense Trinitarian theology has also played a large role in the shaping of my spirituality into a Trinitarian spirituality that can not be separated from and is bound up in Trinitarian theology. I had not (and still have not) captured all of who God is, but instead the situation was reversed: I became captured by the triune God. I think that may be a pretty good definition of what we might call “desperation theology” (and theology in general perhaps), not trying to somehow propositionally capture God but being captured by God. Maybe we should all be desperate theologians!

Concluding Theological Primer

When I have discussed this with certain people in the past they have not only been concerned about my experience with doubt but also about my views on propositionalist theology (believing that propositional truth is somehow the highest form of truth). So, it occurs to me that some may come across this and wonder, “Why is this guy saying all these terrible things about propositions?” or, “How can this guy claim to have faith when he clearly dismisses propositions?” or even, “How can he claim that he holds to biblical truth saying some of the things he says?” If you are reading this and you find yourself with questions like these, its ok, I have been asked questions like these more than once in person. And hopefully, I can put you at ease. My plan is to of course unpack this more over time but here some brief statements concerning my approach to theology.

First, I embrace what might be called a post-propositionalist theology. This does not mean that I have summarily done away with propositions but simply placed them in their proper context. The move from propositional to post-propositional is a move from propositions as the sum and substance of theology and faith to a narrative theology and a narrative faith. The issue is that all of the propositions we believe about God and theology in general are embedded within and share an organic relationship with a larger narrative or story. We do a great disservice when we treat theology as “whatever the Bible says about ???” and then proceed to draw (or rip!) out propositions from there. I am not saying that there is no propositional or cognitive element to theology or faith, that propositions do not exist or are not important (I have plenty of propositions I believe). What I am saying is that these propositions come to us through narrative, specifically the biblical narrative and narrative of the incarnation of Christ who can never be reduced to any proposition, and must be lived (not simply formulated) out in the context of our personal narratives. In short, without their narrative contexts propositions are at the least in danger of distortion and at worst dead.

Second, in my move to a post-propositional, narrative theology I came to treat the Bible differently…as well, narrative. In this I no longer see myself as looking at the Bible in order to glean somehow timeless propositions (and thus, in a sense, standing over the Bible in authority), but see myself as looking along the Bible as narrative, seeking to conform my personal narrative with the narrative of biblical triune discourse (thus seeking to be under the Bible in posture and shaped by the biblical narrative in practice). This narrative of living along the biblical narrative naturally leads to missional living as we participate in the missio dei (or mission of God) and the narrative of the kingdom of God. [As a historical note: I am indebted to Logsdon Seminary and Crosspoint Fellowship in Abilene for their embodiment of missional living and giving me a place to develop and embody my theological reflections.]

Third, as a result of this I could no longer view the theological task as simply gleaning propositions from scripture as is often the case in traditional systematics. In a sense we are all theologians because we all believe something about God (“theo-logy” literally means “words about God” or “teaching about God”). But we are also all theologians in how we live (our narratives), not just what we say (our propositions). Our lives are inherently theological! In view of this I have taken to theologian Miroslav Volf’s view of seeing the task of theology as a involving a whole way of life. Most specifically I have come to see the theology as my/our participation in the divine Trinitarian life of God that is Trinitarian, narrative, and missional in nature. I don’t have the time to unpack this presently, but this is what I see as the thrust of the theological task: theology as participation in the divine life; exhibited and lived out in Trinitarian praxis, narrative praxis, and missional praxis.

Many thanks…

Greetings all! I thought that a little update was in order from my last post for all that have been praying for us. First, C.C. and I want to express our deep gratitude and appreciation for those that sent us money since my last post. I don’t know of anything else to say other than we are incredibly humbled and indebted to you all. I feel that far too often we followers of Christ settle for generalities when what we need to do is share specifics of whatever may be a struggle for us or what needs we may have. I was very tempted to take another route besides the one of authenticity and not be so honest about our/my struggles since we got to Houston. But the more I prayed about it the more I felt God telling me to share specifics and to let Him and the body of Christ do the rest. I am, for one, greatly inspired when the church does what the body of Christ is supposed to do. Most of what we received was totally anonymous and because of that we can’t give you a direct thank you. Whoever you are please accept our thanks. And we also received assistance from our small group and church back in Abilene, Crosspoint Fellowship. Some of you are presently at the BGCT meeting in downtown Houston and it really kills me that we probably can’t get in to see ya’ll. When someone is a part of Crosspoint they are truly a part of something I feel is special and unique. It was a privilege to be a part of a church such as Crosspoint that is committed to the missional journey and living in the story of Christ as a community. Honestly, I think Crosspoint may have spoiled us and in my opinion we need a Crosspoint Fellowship in SW Houston.

Updates…

Just briefly here are some updates from some of the requests that I shared in the last post.

• The gifts that we received enabled us to be able keep our bills up to date. Technically, we should probably still be behind, even with the gifts that we received, because the math still doesn’t totally add up. But, and I confirmed this with my personal accountant (which would be my lovely wife), that not only are we current with ALL our bills but we are actually about 2 weeks ahead of them! All I know to say is, praise God!
• C.C.’s foot is doing better. We found out is not a stress fracture as we were told to begin with but a form of tendinitis. She is out of the walking boot (which I’m quite sure was not made for so much actual walking) and had some special inserts made for her shoes. Another praise here is that these inserts aren’t likely covered by insurance but we have had an offer from someone to pay for them for if the aren’t.
• We were able to get the oil changed in the car.
• And a really big praise is that it looks like I finally have a job. It contingent of course on the background check and a health screen, but those shouldn’t be a problem. I will be working for the St. Luke’s Hospital in Sugar Land (C.C. is at the one downtown) in the kitchen preparing food and delivering meals to the patients. It will be primarily a weekend job but it should provide enough to make the ends meet (and its NOT retail!). I should start at the end of this month.

Present needs…

These are some of the specifics that we would still like you to keep in prayer:

First, continue to keep our finances (car payment, rent, food, etc) in prayer. One thing that is for certain, as we all know, is that the bills will come due again next month. We are thankful for the provision thus far, but we also appreciate your continued prayer.

Second, unless something drastic and unexpected happens we won’t be able to make it for graduation at Logsdon in December. As I said in the previous post, it could be a totally sentimental thing, but C.C. and I worked hard to help get each other through our Logsdon degrees and it would mean a lot for us to be able to walk together. However, this is one of the things that we haven’t been able to take care of yet and it looks like we may have to see if we can walk in May (though I would personally prefer December).

Third, there has been a development concerning my plans to pursue a PhD. No, I am not chickening out or anything. However, due to a combination of me misjudging application deadlines (they were coming up way sooner than I expected) and not being able to have taken the GRE yet I/we have decided it is best to wait, instead of just putting together applications and a GRE at the last minute. By waiting I will be able to give the apps the attention they deserve and I will be able to study more for the GRE in order to get the best score possible. Thankfully, I have been extended a very generous offer from someone to pay for the GRE cost for me. In the meantime, Christie is looking at trying to get into a 2^nd year CPE program and we have also decided that I should go ahead and apply to do a first year CPE residency myself next year, so I am in the process of getting that application filled out. Next year has to potential to be very busy.

The Search for a church…

Finally, we are still searching for a church. I have to admit my frustration here. For one thing, I don’t like the idea of church shopping but it feels like that is what we have been doing. The idea of church shopping seems to conjure up images that have become common of peoples looking at churches only for “goods” and “services” that they can consume. But the reality is that this is the exact opposite of what we want to do. What are we looking for in a church? Well, in short, we are looking for a place that does not feed into this consumerism. We are looking for a church that is an incarnational, holistic community that has an awareness of living within the deep narrative of Christ and Scripture (and that hopefully has at least somewhat of an awareness of the lectionary and liturgy). Far from a consumeristic focus we are looking for a church that has a missional focus, a missional community that seeks to journey and struggle together in figuring out how to embody the gospel in and through the natural rhythms of life (and that is hopefully comfortable with the fact that C.C. is ordained). This is the kind of church that we feel like Crosspoint is, but something that we have not really been able to find here.

It seems that the area of Houston we are in is the land of the megachurches and while some are admittedly better than others, at least one church that we went to could aptly be described as “Six Flags over Jesus.” It seemed, at least to me, to be overly concerned with slick production and entertainment, the worship set was basically a concert complete with light show, smoke, and the works. A concert is fine every so often but a steady diet of this kind of entertainment candy can’t be good for anyone! So, yes, I’m pretty disenchanted at this point. This same church as above had no scripture reading at all until twenty minutes into the “talk” – almost 50 minutes into a service that only went 70 minutes. It just strikes me how “conservative evangelicals” want everything to be “biblical” and will absolutely go to mat for inerrancy, but scripture makes up so little of our corporate worship. These same evangelicals will often accuse liturgical types of having a “low” view of scripture when actually the corporate reading of scripture plays a central role in their worship.

In my opinion this should make one wonder. When scripture IS used (in the churches that we have checked out here) it is usually in the form of 1) reduce it down to bullet point doctrinal propositions with a powerpoint, 2) reduce it down to a bullet point “application” with a powerpoint, 3) or some sort of individual self improvement or self-therapy (aka 3 steps to whatever) with a powerpoint. [I should state here that it’s not that I think that powerpoint type things are bad, just the poor and reductionistic use of these things is what frustrates me.] My belief is that much of this flows from what might be called the McChurch template, it’s all the same. Each one is like the other, individualistic, and actually (again in my opinion) consumeristic in nature. Some of these churches may use the word “missional” but it’s not really what we know as missional. There is no corporate wrestling with Scripture in community, no seeming awareness of the lectionary or liturgy, no living in the story of the Bible as God’s people. But then again, once scripture has been boiled down to bullet point propositions, applications, and self help therapy then where is there even a need for the Bible? If this is what it means to be “evangelical”, I may have to reconsider (though I’ve never been overly concerned with labels as such and there may be more important labels than this one)…how can a church (and I ask this with all sincerity) claim to be “evangel-ical” (of the gospel) when it has such a superficial, individualistic view of scripture?

I should specify that I don’t think it’s that many of these churches are not sincere in what they do. But I do think there is a level of individualism, consumerism, and a superficial use/view of scripture that goes unnoticed in the seeker model that most of these churches have adopted or at least copied and adapted to a certain extent. Also, I think that churches should really try to better understand what missional means before using it as a descriptor for their church. Well, I’ll just close by asking for prayer for 1) a genuinely missional community that we can be a part of, 2) for this new job since it is weekends which means that I’ll probably have to work Sunday mornings which would throw a kink in things (though we could go to Ecclesia’s 5:30 service but the drawback is that it is a pretty good drive downtown to get there), and 3) for us just attending a service once a week is not enough, we need a group we can do life with. So pray that we will be able to find a small group soon.

Many thanks!

For His Kingdom.

[Note: This is being published as a facebook note and as a blog post on my blog. Any that want to comment can do so in either place.]

Hmmm…looking back to June I see that I published a post that was supposed to be the first in a series on why my blog is called DesperateTheologian. But alas, I never followed it up with any other posts.  Part of the reason for this goes back to the fact that I am terrible at blogging. I’ll just admit that and not belabor the point. It’s not that I don’t have any ideas to blog about. I do…really! Well, anyways, I do need to finish out this series but it will have to wait till later. I am devoting this post to some urgent needs that we have since we moved to Houston.

What’s been happening…

Most of you will know that we finished up at Logsdon Seminary in August and moved to the Houston area (we actually live in Stafford) at the end of August for C.C. to do a first year residency at St. Luke’s Hospital in downtown Houston.  The move to Houston had its own fair share of excitement though. Our plans were originally for us to go to Lubbock, TX for C.C. to do a first year chaplaincy CPE residency at a hospital there. These were plans that were set in place almost a full year in advance and we had everything all set to go. However, three weeks before we were supposed to move the hospital called and informed us that the CPE program was being severely downsized and possibly cut altogether and that they did not know of C.C. would have a position for the next year (We have since found out that the program in Lubbock is indeed being cut). The biggest question at this time was: “what are we going to do?!?!” C.C. managed to get a last minute interview with St. Luke’s for their first year residency program, we came down for the interview, and she was accepted immediately. Since St. Luke’s is one of the premier chaplaincy programs in the country and with her quick acceptance we felt like this was an answer from God to our prayers and that this was what God wanted us to do. So we did what we always do, we stepped out in faith and walked through the door that God had opened for us.

I want to emphasize first how much we have to be thankful for and the ways that God has blessed us in this move. It really is amazing how everything came together especially since we had to do everything pretty much last minute.

• Damaris is in a really great school, Dulles Elementary, which from everything we have heard and can tell is one of the better schools in the area.
• After a little apprehension on the school’s part upon learning that we had home schooled Damaris for so long they ended up putting her in the 5^th grade’s gifted and talented class.
• Also, Damaris really likes her school. She tried out for choir and got in. Needless to say music is her favorite class.
• We managed to find an apartment right across the street from Damaris’ school.
• We owe a HUGE thanks to the Pogues who helped us get set up here and get everything moved into our apartment. I’m pretty sure without their help (and the help of those they found to help) that all our stuff would not have actually made it into our apartment (which happens to be on the third floor). And did I mention that they let us stay with them for a week and store all our stuff in their garage since the apartment wasn’t ready?
• And C.C. is doing well with her residency, even the 24 hr on calls which are the most intensive part of the program.

And now for the bad news…

However there are a couple of things that have not gone well for us and it is here that we need some very urgent prayer. One is that we have not found a local church to call home yet. Some may see this and wonder what the fuss is about here. After all we’ve only been here for six or so weeks, right? Well, that is true but we don’t like the feeling of not being connected somewhere. When we moved to Portales, NM we were fortunate enough to find a place to call home rather quickly. And when we moved to Abilene, Crosspoint was the second church we visited…and well, it just seemed like a natural fit. I find myself really wishing that there was a Crosspoint around here that we could be a part of. We miss the conversation, community, and being part of a small group. I hate feeling disconnected.

Second, I have not been able to find a job since we arrived in Houston and this is perhaps the most stressful thing we have faced thus far. Honestly, I had not expected this part to be so challenging, as I have always been able to find a job rather quickly in the past. But it has proved more difficult in Houston than I had ever imagined. So, it is this that we are feeling the most need for prayer. Of course the biggest issue here connected with this is paying our bills. C.C. does get a stipend from St. Luke’s but it is not enough to cover all our bills and whatever savings we had is gone as Houston has been more expensive to live in than we had thought.

I will admit that I’m feeling more than a bit squeezed right now, frustrated and even a little desperate. If I were to be honest, I would accept personal donations…but (and this may be a male machismo thing) I really hate to ask others for money – especially knowing that others out there are struggling too. C.C. and I are committed to this missional way of life and living in the missio dei (or mission of God) in every aspect of life, mundane or otherwise. We are wired to be givers and it is more than a little distressing when we can’t do this. For example our friends at the Friendship House in Abilene are trying to raise money for a very worthy cause. We feel like the Friendship House is a part of who we are and if we were even close to breaking even right now we’d give in a heartbeat and the fact that we can’t kills us.

Before we moved to Logsdon I had prayed hard that C.C. would be able to discover what God wanted her to do while we were there. Our time at Logsdon and Crosspoint (while far to short for us) was a time of needed healing and clarification for us. I received what I felt was needed confirmation to pursue PhD studies and C.C. received her confirmation to be a hospital chaplain. Doing a residency for her was the next, most natural (and indeed required) step. In coming to Houston we stepped out on nothing but faith, believing that our move here for C.C. to do her chaplaincy residency was what we needed to do for our future ministry together and that God would provide what we needed. I knew that I was going to have to postpone PhD stuff for at least a year but that was/is fine with me. I love that C.C. is able to do what God has called her to do and I am glad to support her in everything. She helped to put me through two Masters degrees and it is my joy to support her at this point – whether that means doing all the housework, playing chauffer, cooking all the meals, or whatever.

The Specifics…

What we didn’t factor in was that I wouldn’t be able to get a job. Authenticity demands that I admit that it really kills me that I can’t find a job. Quite frankly it’s embarrassing to me (besides being stressful as well). The simple fact is I have applied for everything from fast food to HEB to Lowes to Home Depot to positions with the local school district. I have literally gone cross eyed filling out applications. I am not sure what else to do at this point other than to continue to step out on faith every morning as we have been doing and to bring our needs to the attention of others. Below is a brief list of some of the most pressing concerns.

• That God would provide the means to pay our bills every month (especially the rent and car payment) whether that is through a job or some other way…
• That we would have money for groceries…
• Getting the oil changed in our car…
• C.C. has an injured foot (stress fracture) which means trips to the doctor and a specialist this Monday – which means a co-pay every time she sees the doctor.
• It’s a sentimental thing really but we were looking forward to being able to walk together at graduation. If something doesn’t happen soon we won’t even be able to make it back to Abilene in December for graduation. We haven’t been able to make any of the graduation arrangements due to lack of funds.
• I want to do a PhD but this means two things: actually being able to apply to PhD programs as soon as I possibly can and taking the GRE. The GRE by itself is $130 and then of course there are application fees.
• That whatever job I do find would be conducive to me dropping C.C. off at the local park and ride bus stop in the morning (about 6:25), picking her up in the afternoon (about 5:30), taking Damaris to school (about 7:45), being here when she gets home at 3 (so she is not home by herself), and the 24 hr on calls that C.C. has to do each week.

We sincerely appreciate everyone and all your prayers and support.

Russell

Bad Blogger…Bad!!

I must admit I am really bad at this blogging thing. I have two main problems I think. One, I just get busy with other stuff – mainly research and writing for classes and such. And then there’s my X-box. No, not the 360 – I have the original one still on which I still love to play Madden and NCAA football. Really it’s the only way I get any “real” football during the off season. Yes, there’s Arena Football and NFL Europe but like I said I want real football (no offense to those that may like the Arena league or NFL Europe) but that’s a post for another time I suppose. Two, I just suppose that I have had trouble figuring out exactly what my purpose is for this blog. I’m not really the type that thinks anyone actually wants to read about my day to day happenings. My wife Christie (most will know here as C.C. blogs at lorelaicc and frankly is much more interesting than I am. I’m just not sure anyone would be as interested in me as they are of her. Its not that I don’t have ideas on things to blog about, I do! Its that most of the things I think of are theological in nature, and, well, I just don’t want to bore anyone to sleep! But still yet, I would love to have a place where I could “field test” some of my ideas, synthesize some of my research, get feed back and interaction from others, and explore the intersection between theology and real life (so I have already given this some thought). So, I am going try to get things really rolling with a series of blog posts under the title “Why DesperateTheologian?” to try to determine what it is I want to do here. The first one (below) gives some of the story behind why I call myself desperatetheologian…

Why call yourself desperatetheologian?

To understand the name desperatetheologian one needs to know something of my theological journey.  I first fell in love with theology as an undergraduate religion major at Wayland Baptist University.  Unlike most I really did enjoy reading and studying anything theological.  At this point I understood theology as mainly propositional in nature.  This is to say that theology to me was about what we can say about God.  Propositional theology is, in short, all about what we can know about God.  It is statements about God that we can be sure are true.  This is in essence the approach to faith that I grew up with in church.  I was taught a basic Biblicist view that the Bible is the inerrant Word of God with the primary purpose to give us timeless, propositions that we are to believe and that govern how we are live and act.  The Biblicist view simply says that we believe what the Bible tells us.  So I did not hear a lot about “theology” per se growing up because, as I was told, “we just believe what the Bible says, not man made formulations!”  But especially as a newly “surrendered” minister I was instructed in doctrines and taught that these were taken straight from the Bible.  Truth be told though, everyone has some sort of theology.  Where I grew up it was just not called “theology” but “doctrine” and it was basically a propositional approach to faith.  When I first went to WBU I had been warned by some to be careful at college and not let all that I learned at college ruin my faith (in a propositional sort of way that is).  However, those concerned really had nothing to worry about.  Like I said I fell in love with theology, especially systematic theology.  I liked that systematic theology gave me a way articulating “deep” things of the faith.  I found that this kind of impressed people.  I also liked that systematic theology was well – systematic.  Every doctrine was put in its proper place.  It was nice, neat, and well “packaged.”  And the packaged part did not bother me.  If someone had a question – well, I had an answer.  So…theology for me as an undergrad was about what we could know about God and about having all the right answers and the Bible was the inerrant source of what we needed to know in this regard.

Now, some may read this and think to themselves, “What’s wrong with this?  Having answers is not bad and we do need to know about God, right?”  And to this I would answer a definite affirmative.  But a solely propositional theology simply does not do justice to who God is.  He is always so much bigger than any single proposition or list of propositions that we can come up with and systematize.  Now, I need to be clear here.  It is true that I was brought up in the faith with a basically propositional view of faith but I would be remiss not to add that those who brought me up in the faith also had a deep faith and loved God deeply and taught me to do the same.  And at Wayland none of my professors ever taught me to simply be content with a solely propositional faith.  I am thankful to Dr. Paul Sadler who taught me the importance and depth of our Baptist heritage and the importance of historical theology – though I did not realize his full impact on me as an undergrad.  I am thankful to Dr. Fred Meeks, who was/is my theological mentor (and now Dr. Dan Stiver at Logsdon Seminary) who always emphasized to me that it was not enough to know about God if one does not come to actually know God, Himself – though I again did not realize his full impact on me as an undergrad.

My wife, Christie (again, most know her as C.C.), and I moved to Ft. Worth and I entered Southwestern Baptist Theological Seminary the fall after graduating from WBU with my degree in religion and what I felt was a firm grasp on theology.  However, before long C.C. and I would be faced with something that would shake the seemingly firm grasp I had on theology.  During my first semester of seminary we lost our first child to miscarriage.  I plan on sharing more in future posts so it will suffice to say that in the midst of our loss and heartache, to be honest, my propositions, the things I felt I knew about God really did very little to relieve my grief.  And the propositions of other Christians we knew at school and church really did little to help them minister to us in the midst of our grief.  Most other Christians did not want to talk about our experience…our story…our grief.  Those that did just said that we should just trust that God knows best and that He is in sovereign control of all things.  Some even suggested that Christie and I were lacking in faith because we were so shaken over the loss of our babies.  It was as if we should just be able to say to ourselves, “God is sovereign” and everything would just be O.K.

In the midst of my grief I must be honest that my propositions did not stand up.  This is not to say that they were no longer true.  That God IS sovereign remains true.  That God is holy remains true.  That Christ is LORD remains true.  Well, you get the point.  But my grief remained…our grief remained.  Sure I could comprehend the propositions I was supposed to believe in my head, but it was not my head that hurt…it was my heart.  It was here that I became, well…desperate.  I was desperate for something to help me make it though this grief and help my wife make it through – because there did not seem to be any going around it.  I was desperate for something to keep us in church when we felt so isolated and when so few seemed equipped to respond with anything that did not sound like a cliché to someone in profound grief.  I was desperate for others, anyone, to be willing to walk with is in our grief, to share our story with us.  I was desperate for a theology that could help me/us make sense of our loss and grief, a theology that could make room for our experience, a theology that would enable me/us to keep believing.  But I was also desperate for a theology that could transcend what we were experiencing, for something that was true and real despite our pain; that could hold on to us because we could not hold on by ourselves.  In short I became a desperate theologian.

I confess…I am a really bad blogger.  But due to pressure from numerous people on facebook here are 25 Random things about me.  I’m warning you…boredom may result from reading this.

1. I have been married for 11 years to Christie. Most people know her now as C.C. However, I met and fell in love with her as Christie and I have not caught up yet. This causes some confusion at times since people think I am married to Christie but live with a girl named C.C. (or vice versa), but I promise they are the same person. She will be doing her CPE residency at Covenant Hospital in Lubbock starting in August. She is far smarter than I am as well as being the most beautiful woman in the world.

2. I have a daughter named Damaris (from Acts 17:34) who is beautiful like her mommy and also smarter than me.

3. Christie and I have lost three children to miscarriage (Jordan Taylor, Micah Jayden, and Noah Avery) and have had a failed adoption. I still miss our babies. I have noticed that talking about this tends to make some people uncomfortable. However, our loss here is a big part of our story of God’s faithfulness to us. We thank our friends who journeyed with us during these years.

4. I love theology! My aim is developing a comprehensive theology of community that can find application within church, life, and mission in the postmodern context grounded in a Trinitarian framework. Theology should not be static but should be an ongoing conversation that is grounded in the past, gives us wisdom for the present, and prepares us for the future. Theology is not only about doctrine but also about praxis – not just theory but also theatre. It is not only about the answers we have but also about the questions we ask. Ok, sorry for the mini-sermon.

5. My favorite area of theology is the doctrine of God and more specifically Trinitarian theology.

6. I have a BA and a MA in Religion from Wayland Baptist University and I am now getting a MDiv from Logsdon Seminary but I am not done yet. One of my goals is to do a PhD in theology and be a professor of theology. But the realization that I have to learn German for my PhD sends chills down my spine. German scares me!

7. Another one of my goals is to start a church. I believe whatever theological reflection we do must be for the church.

8. I am a terribly slow reader but I love books. I am trying to discipline myself to read faster but most stuff I like to read is just not a fast read. I like to read books having to do with the emerging church, missional theology, postmodern philosophy and theology, and Trinitarian theology.

9. Christie says that I have WAY too many books but I don’t think you could ever have too many books. Currently the list of books that I want to get has around 300 books on it. It wasn’t that big always but I took an interest in theological hermeneutics and narrative theology so it grew a bit…ok, a lot. While adding books for that I added some others in other areas as well. I can be found perusing amazon.com frequently looking for books I might want. My excuse: “I will need these for my PhD dissertation.”

10. Stanley Grenz is my favorite theologian. If you know anything about Grenz you will realize that #5 and #10 go together. Other favorites of mine are Miroslav Volf, Jurgen Moltmann, Scott McKnight, N.T. Wright, John Zizioulas and Dan Stiver! The list could go on but that’s enough for now.

11. I don’t like the way theological labels are used most of the time – as straw men to discount rather than for understanding. I do, however, like to see the looks on people’s faces when I call myself a “Postmodern Calvinist.”

12. I can grow more hair on my face than I can on the top of my head. However, I never get self conscious about being bald unless other people tell me I don’t need to be self conscious about being bald. Seriously though, I don’t remember the last time I actually paid for a haircut.

13. I have had facial hair of some sort since 1995 when I grew my beard out for a beard growing contest in college. My mom didn’t like it but apparently a certain girl liked my facial hair. We got married and she thinks my goatee is sexy! I am just looking for an excuse to grow a big, bushy mountain man beard…or at the very least to grow out my goatee.

14. I love the beauty of the mountains and would love to live in the mountains. I also get really jealous of people who live in the mountains.

15. I really want to live in Colorado, which is understandable since it has mountains. To this end I am considering applying to a PhD school in Denver. Colorado…mountains…theology…PhD…it just might be heaven! Plus if I lived in Colorado I would have an excuse to grow a big, bushy mountain man beard.

16. I have always feared that I am not smart enough. I had to take remedial reading and speech classes in elementary school because I my teachers thought I read to slow and I stuttered. They thought I might be “challenged.” I still read slow and sometimes evidence of my stuttering comes out in one to one conversations but not often. Interestingly I don’t stutter when I preach, teach, lecture a class, or talk about theological stuff.

17. My favorite two college football teams are the Nebraska Cornhuskers and the Colorado Buffaloes. Yes, I know they are rivals and that it’s not proper practice to be fans of both, but I am OK with the tension.

18. My two favorite NFL teams are the Dallas Cowboys and the Denver Broncos. Neither one of them did any good this year. I think that probably Denver shouldn’t have fired their head coach but it may be an opportunity for Dallas since they can now fire their head coach and pick up Denver’s old coach.

19. I work at Wal-Mart to pay the bills and can’t wait till the day comes when working there will no longer be necessary.

20. I love Siberian Huskies. If I lived in Colorado I would have an excuse to have one. In the meantime I’ll just have to be content with my Siberian Husky Beanie Babies and Webkinz (don’t laugh!).

21. I love sci fi shows. I am a fan of all the Star Treks (except the first one!), Stargate SG1, Stargate Atlantis, Heroes, and LOST. The Sci-Fi channel rocks! I also like shows like NCIS, CSI, and Numbers. I don’t really like “The Office” and never understood what all the fuss was about.

22. Christie and I are both being ordained by our church, Crosspoint Fellowship, March 22^nd. We’re being ordained in the same service, at the same time, TOGETHER! Is that not the coolest thing?!?!

23. I can totally rock out to old school DC Talk. Yo…luv is a verb!

24. I have a tattoo. It is a triquetra (or a Trinity knot) with YHWH overlaid on top of it. It was my Christmas present from my wife. So far only one person has thought it was a satanic symbol.

25. I think that Dr. Pepper has to be the most perfect drink ever. 23 flavors of heaven!!

I remember when I was a teenager. I would walk all through the woods behind my great-grandmothers house. It was a few miles outside of Gainesville and there weren’t many neighbors. I would walk all through the woods with my 22 caliber rifle taking pot shots at various inanimate objects. Sometimes I would walk out into the open field with a row of trees that bordered it and shoot egrets. Egrets are birds that offer very little benefit. I remember that they would cover the trees so much that they would actually kill them. So, no one minded when I took a 12 gage shotgun and used them for target practice.

So, what is all this about? There has been a lot of discussion about guns and gun laws as of late. Not to long ago the Supreme Court struck down the nations capital’s ban on guns saying that it violated the 2^nd amendments provision that Americans have the right to bear arms. Today, at work, I overheard someone say that they thought it was absolutely right for the ban to be lifted because the right to own a gun is a basic human right. What!?! Wait?!? Stop for a second!!! Did he really say “basic human right?” Yes, he did and this has got me thinking. Just a few points.

First, my views on this issue are not completely settled yet, and while I probably would not agree that they should be banned outright, I can not see how owning a gun is a “basic human right” in the sense of shelter, food, respect, etc. But I read an article in the paper where more than one gun rights advocates organization called gun ownership such. So, what, when babies are born should we issue them a gun?

Second, the fact that the argument on this issue seems to be coming from the extremes frustrates me. There are the folks on one side that call gun ownership a “basic human” right. Many of these folks feel that we should be allowed to own more than just a 22 caliber rifle. Check out this story from CNN and notice the picture. These guys are holding flags with assault rifles. Now, why does the average person need to own an assault rifle? And then there are those who think we should just ban all guns whatsoever. But those that say that say that this does little to keep guns out of the hands of criminals I think make a good point.

Third, I feel fine with limited gun ownership and requiring people to have to undergo a background check and to have a permit before they can have a gun. And though I am comfortable with guns personally we do not have any guns in our house. My wife C.C. is just not comfortable with them so we don’t have any. And to be honest, I don’t feel like we are missing much. But living in Abilene does have me kind of scared. This is hunting country so guns are BIG deal to a lot of people and a significant amount feel that persons should be able to have a gun with very little (if any) government interference. But a poll in the Abilene paper revealed that of those who participated 69% feel that persons should be able to openly carry a handgun. Now, I realize that it was a small poll but still, almost 70% is significant. I don’t know, does this bring images of the old west to mind? Are we going to have duels in the parking lot of Wal-Mart? Honestly, it scares me to think that the person next to me in the line at the grocery store is packing heat, be it concealed or out in the open. I mean, I don’t know there knowledge of gun safety and I don’t know there state of mind.

Fourth, I have to confess that I have a lot of Anabaptist in me theologically. What this means is that I tend to gravitate towards pacifism but I have to admit I am probably not consistent. I think we need to be honest. Guns are made to kill things – be it animals or people. That is what they are for. Yes, I know they can be used safely for recreation. I was a Boy Scout and we did a lot of target shooting and gun safety classes. I do enjoy skeet shooting. But this is a side use for guns. Primarily they are for killing things. One of the biggest arguments for gun ownership is personal protection of property and person. Be warned if you live in Texas and you come on someone’s property to rob them. You may get shot and it won’t be illegal. So, under what circumstances would I shoot someone else (that is, if I had a gun)? I honestly would probably shoot to defend my wife and/or daughter if the situation called for it (here is where I am an inconsistent pacifist), but even here I am uneasy. I have heard of people who keep a handgun under the bed for protection. But my thought here is what if I miss the criminal and the bullet ends up going through a wall and hitting a loved one? Do we really need people popping off rounds at night in the dark in a possibly adrenaline dosed situation? Does this make us safer? (But all of this is kind of moot since we don’t have a gun). My plea is this: if you insist on having a gun take a class or something. Know the gun, use it safely, and KEEP IT AWAY FROM THE KIDS! PLEASE! And please don’t get caught up in so much of the culture that worships guns.

Finally, a historical note. It seems to me that the 2^nd amendment was written during a time when 1) the need to form a militia for various reasons was a reality and 2) they had not seen the proliferation of guns that we have seen today. They did not have to worry about semi-automatic assault rifles back then. So, it amazes me when some try to use a literal reading of the second amendment to say they should be able to own one. If we want to be literal about it then it seems the most we should legalize is the trusty flint lock rifle. My point here is that the second amendment was written in a certain historical circumstance and that we need to exercise a little common sense today. While banning guns outright may not be the answer, it seems reasonable to me to require a license, a permit, a background check, a waiting period, and maybe even a psychological evaluation and safety classes before one can own one. In other words, I don’t think it a basic human right.

I trying to get the hang of this blogging thing, but here we are – my second official blog on wordpress. [cheers and applause] Hopefully, I will get the hang of it.

To be honest, I really don’t like labels. The usual labels we use for ourselves and others (ie; liberal, conservative, fundamentalist, evangelical, etc) usually get used in a lowest common denominator type of way and as a term of derision. In other words that person is a liberal and I would never be a liberal because all liberals are radicals. Or that person is a fundie and I would never be one because obviously all fundies are idiots (at least it seems that this is what is conveyed by how the label gets used). Really, it is too bad that labels get used in such a way as to just communicate what we are against because originally most labels have some specific beliefs and claims attached to them. But too often these actual beliefs are ignored, misrepresented, or overemphasized so that one can make a point or win an argument. Well, anyways, the sermon is over I guess. I just think it is bad that our (yes, I said “our” as in you and me because I think it is as much a problem with us as it is with the unnamed someone else out there – we all face this temptation) propensity to label each other so often keeps us apart and squelches dialogue.

Really, you never know how quizzes like this are going to turn out. But I think the results of this one are not bad. I’m not sure I would have self-rated myself so high on the emergent/postmodern category. I wouldn’t describe myself as “emergent” per se (“emerging” maybe) I don’t think postmodernism is all good or can solve all the ills of the church, but then again I don’t think a lot of emergents say this either. The movement is more diverse than what is often recognized. For those who have heard bad things about emergents and see that I rated so high…let me assure you that I have not abandoned Truth or the Bible and still believe in Jesus. He is the Way, the Truth, and the Life. Perhaps, if concerned, you will be comforted that both “liberal” categories scored at the bottom. I like that I scored so close on the Reformed and Wesleyan categories. I am neither a five point calvinist (though I am a moderate calvinist) nor am I a pure Arminian. I am surprised that “Conservative” was not one of the categories but maybe that was covered under “evangelical.”

What’s your theological worldview? created with QuizFarm.com

You scored as Emergent/Postmodern You are Emergent/Postmodern in your theology. You feel alienated from older forms of church, you don’t think they connect to modern culture very well. No one knows the whole truth about God, and we have much to learn from each other, and so learning takes place in dialogue. Evangelism should take place in relationships rather than through crusades and altar-calls. People are interested in spirituality and want to ask questions, so the church should help them to do this. Emergent/Postmodern 89% Reformed Evangelical 64% Evangelical Holiness/Wesleyan 61% Neo orthodox 54% Fundamentalist 50% Roman Catholic 39% Charismatic/Pentecostal 39% Classical Liberal 32% Modern Liberal 18%

So, what are you?Click here and find out.

I was told I had to blog something. This looks like a job for Superman! Up, up and away!

Your results:
You are Superman
You are mild-mannered, good, strong and you love to help others.

Superman – 80%
Green Lantern – 65%
Spider-Man – 60%
Hulk -55%
Robin – 52%
Supergirl – 45%
Wonder Woman – 40%
The Flash – 40%
Batman – 40%
Iron Man – 40%
Catwoman – 35%

Click here to take the “Which Superhero are you?” quiz…

Not blogging yet, but I’ll get to it soon.